NEWSPAPERS: If you have to go to the bathroom while
playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's
placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of
dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap
playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the
floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to
show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to
bark. So bark--- a lot. Your owners will be very happy
to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night
while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no
more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up
in the middle of the night and hearing your protective
bark, bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water
dish immediately before licking your human. Humans
prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle
of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of
smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice.
If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each
hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never
enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your
part to help correct this problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always
reserved for the family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed.
Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at
dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can
clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a
good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important
to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out
for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to
the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new
couch after all your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball
or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you
don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you
never--- quite--- catch them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry
. ...Eat a shoe.
For more dog humor, click on a number below.