The Official Dog Enthusiast's DON'T List

DON'T let your dog sleep in your bed. It will cause aggression problems down the road.

DON'T make your dog sleep in a crate. Crate is just another
word for small cage.

DON'T let your dog sleep outside at night. If God had wanted
dogs to sleep outside, he would have covered their body with hair
to keep them warm.

DON'T let your dog sleep. You should be playing with him all
the time.

DON'T keep more than two dogs. Each individual dog requires
considerable time and energy, and it is impossible for a
responsible dog owner to spend quality time with more than two
dogs.

DON'T keep less than five dogs. Dogs are pack animals
and five dogs is the minimum number for proper socialization.

DON'T feed your dog kibble. Kibble is the invention of evil
capitalists who want your money, and kibble has no nutritional
value whatsoever. You might as well feed your dog sawdust.

DON'T cook your dog's meat or chicken. Cooking destroys all
the nutrients.

DON'T feed your dog raw meat or raw chicken. Raw food
contains salmonella, e-coli, and other harmful bacteria.

DON'T let your dog drink out of a plastic bowl. It will turn
his nose pink.

DON'T post messages to a dog list. You will surely get bopped
on the head for thinking that someone else cares about your
silly little opinions.

DON'T poke your eye with a sharp stick. It has nothing to do
with dogs, but it's a good rule nonetheless.

DON'T microchip your dog. A nearby cell phone can cause a
microchipped dog to explode, or so says the lady running the
tattoo booth.

DON'T tattoo your dog on the ear. A dog thief will cut off
the tattooed ear.

DON'T tattoo your dog on the thigh. He'll be a tripod before
you can say Ginsu.

DON'T keep a collar on your dog when unattended. He could
get caught on something and choke.

DON'T leave your dog unattended without a collar. He could
run away without any identification.

DON'T transport your dog in a plastic crate. Plastic crates
don't allow sufficient air flow.

DON'T transport your dog in a wire crate. In a car accident,
a wire crate transforms into a doggie skewer. On days you
plan to have a car accident, it's acceptable to use a plastic
crate.

DON'T let your dog drive. It's against the law in many states.

DON'T enter your dog in conformation. It's b-o-r-i-n-g for
the dog.

DON'T enter your dog in obedience. It's B-o-r-i-n-g with a
capital "B."

DON'T enter your dog in agility. The jumps will injure his joints.

DON'T send your dog out with a handler. Only a psychopath
would send their beloved pet with a complete stranger.

DON'T handle your dog yourself. You've got a great dog and
he deserves a much better handler than you will ever be.

DON'T get a purebred dog. Too much inbreeding has produced
dogs with temperament and health problems.

DON'T get a mutt. You don't know anything about their
pedigree. In fact, if you're thinking about getting a dog, get a
cat instead.

DON'T don't. That's right, you heard me, just don't!

DON'T leave your dog's dewclaws intact. He will rip one off
jumping a log or something, which is quite painful.

DON'T remove your dog's dewclaws. Dewclaws are acupuncture
points that are needed for proper functioning of the kidneys.

 

AND the #1 DON'T ....

 

DON'T trim your dog's whiskers. Dogs use their whiskers to
determine the size of their head, which is important when they
are out shopping for a new hat.

Back to the top

1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16 
17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  27  28  29

Return to Dog Humor Return to Pet Humor