Top 12 Things Your Dog
Would Say If It Could Talk

12. But it SMELLS like food.

11. The cat did it.

10. What say we all drive down to Dairy Queen?

  9. Explain this 'heat' thing again.

  8. Mind if I sit there?

  7. You gonna eat ALL of that?

  6. I don't smell anything.

  5. Could I see the menu?

  4. FETCH THIS!

  3. Next time, I pick the bitch!

  2. This isn't a mess, it's ambiance!

And THE number one thing your dog would say:

   1. You are going to cut off my WHAT??!!

Dog Don't Bite

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old man in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

  1. Forget your normal outside activities totally...

  2. Your non-dog owning, knowing friends look sadly upon you and
tell you: Get a life!

  3. Neighbors and relatives only like to look at puppies for a
minute, not the expected hour.

  4. The water bill is going through the roof. Steff's wedding with
150 guests, flushing in four bathrooms, isn't coming even close
to the constant washing of throw rugs, towels and blankets.

  5. Forget dressing up and going out for any length of time
anywhere, in fact, cut out your social life completely.

  6. Dress code: jeans, shorts, T-shirts, changes 3 times daily.

  7. Get used to surprisingly stepping into something wet and warm
and it's not a bathtub.

  8. Picking up poop in the yard 4 x a day for 4 pups=16 poops a day
x 7 days a week=112 piles of poopie in a week.

  9. On contemplating poopie: The amount of food which comes out
of one end is sometimes astonishingly much, much larger than
what went in. Referred lovingly around here as "Monster
Poopies."

10. Sleep? What is uninterrupted sleep? I forgot!

11. The Wall Street Journal is best for puppy runs and whelping
boxes, good absorption and large.

12. T-shirts are always dotted with little pee stains from wet little
penises or is it peni?

13. I finally discovered what is under a down-to-the-ground
hemlock plant while retrieving a puppy.

14. Having unreasonable thoughts of what ifs as in:
a) Can a hawk swoop down and grab a puppy?
b) Can the neighbor's cat devour a puppy in seconds flat?
c) Can a puppy fit underneath (oh my gosh) the shed where the
"puppy-eating" groundhog and rabbit live?
d) Can a mole bite a puppy in the nose while it is sniffing in a
hole? Can this grown-up person really hold on to the puppy at
the same time?
e) Are begonias poisonous?
f) How about mulch and bark and gerbils and basil...?

15. Finding my good china serving bowls masquerading as water
troughs (my mother would be really upset).

16. All of my towels are now different colors.

17. Bleach is your friend.

18. Getting a different set of muscles in your legs because of
stepping constantly over blockades.

19. Can anyone ever experience this much love at one time?

Return to Dog Humor Return to Pet Humor

1  2  3  4  5  6  7  8  9  10  11  12  13  14  15  16 
17  18  19  20  21  22  23  24  25  26  27  28  29