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tiny purple ballAIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to
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tiny purple ballALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she
Clear gifspotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

tiny purple ballAMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through
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tiny purple ballAPPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade
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tiny purple ballBABY:
Clear gif1. Dad, when he gets a cold.
Clear gif2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

tiny purple ballBATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all
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tiny purple ballBECAUSE: Mom's reasons for having kids do things which can't
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tiny purple ballCARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean
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tiny purple ballCAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom
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tiny purple ballCHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who
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tiny purple ballCOOK:
Clear gif1. Act of preparing food for consumption.
Clear gif2. Mom's other name.

tiny purple ballCOUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after
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tiny purple ballDRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

tiny purple ballDUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order
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tiny purple ballDUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home
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tiny purple ballDUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

tiny purple ballEAR: A place where kids store dirt

tiny purple ballEAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

tiny purple ballEMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

tiny purple ballENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply
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tiny purple ball"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly
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tiny purple ballEYE: The highly susceptible optic organ which, according to Mom,
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tiny purple ballFABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

tiny purple ballFAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper
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tiny purple ballFEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't
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tiny purple ballFOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question
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tiny purple ballFROZEN:
Clear gif1. A type of food.
Clear gif2. How Hell will be the day Mom lets her daughter date an older
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tiny purple ballFULL NAME: What Mom calls her child when she's mad at him.

tiny purple ballGARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which
Clear gifMom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds
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tiny purple ballGENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

tiny purple ballGRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful
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tiny purple ballGUM: Adhesive for the hair.

tiny purple ballHAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by,
Clear gifbut not containing, dirty clothing.

tiny purple ballHANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

tiny purple ballHANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with
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tiny purple ballHEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a
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tiny purple ballHINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many
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tiny purple ballHOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of
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tiny purple ballICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic
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tiny purple ballIMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

tiny purple ballINDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they
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tiny purple ballINSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids
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tiny purple ball"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

tiny purple ballJACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

tiny purple ballJEANS: Pants which, according to kids, are appropriate for just
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tiny purple ball"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else
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tiny purple ballJOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

tiny purple ballJUNK: Dad's stuff.

tiny purple ballKETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the
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tiny purple ballKISS: Mom medicine.

tiny purple ballLAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his
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tiny purple ballLEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom
Clear gifbuys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a
Clear giftable, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to
Clear gifsix minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

tiny purple ballLIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-
Clear gifmâché' volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment
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tiny purple ballLOSERS: See "KIDS' FRIENDS"

tiny purple ballMAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom
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tiny purple ballMAYBE: No.

tiny purple ballMILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's
Clear gifturned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

tiny purple ball"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants
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tiny purple ballMUSH:

Clear gif1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.
Clear gif2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

tiny purple ballNAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can
Clear gifnever have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening
Clear gifstubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve
Clear gifarmy men and/or doll clothing.

tiny purple ballOCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for
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Clear giftoy boats, cars and animals.

tiny purple ballOPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front
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tiny purple ballOVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

tiny purple ballOW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

tiny purple ballPANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up
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tiny purple ballPENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables
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tiny purple ballPETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will
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tiny purple ballPIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands
Clear gifof dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will
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tiny purple ballPUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies
Clear gifwearing new shoes into it.

tiny purple ballPURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys
Clear gifshe can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum
Clear gifwrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food
Clear gifrestaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery
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tiny purple ballQUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the
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tiny purple ballRAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry
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Clear giflocker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear
Clear gif"the geeky thing."

tiny purple ballREFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for
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tiny purple ballROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility
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tiny purple ballSCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from
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tiny purple ballSCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

tiny purple ballSHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

tiny purple ballSNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely
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tiny purple ballSOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one
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tiny purple ballSPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

tiny purple ballSPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15
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tiny purple ballSTERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling
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tiny purple ballSWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward
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tiny purple ballSUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made
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tiny purple ballTEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person
Clear gifwho has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

tiny purple ballTERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

tiny purple ball"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's
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tiny purple ballTOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman
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tiny purple ballTOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS."

tiny purple ballTRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

tiny purple ballTROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure
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tiny purple ballTWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and
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tiny purple ballUMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times
Clear gifMom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually
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tiny purple ballUNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which
Clear gifensures the wearer will never have an accident.

tiny purple ballUTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH."

tiny purple ballVACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all,
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tiny purple ballVERBAL: When a toddler is able to whine in words.

tiny purple ballVITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to
Clear gifswallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow
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tiny purple ballWALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with
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tiny purple ballWASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean jeans,
Clear gifpermanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads
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tiny purple ball"WHEN YOU FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement
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tiny purple ballWHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

tiny purple ballXOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already
Clear gifembarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

tiny purple ballXYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts
Clear gifto children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing
Clear gifconstantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS."

tiny purple ballYARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans
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Clear gifminute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

tiny purple ball"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school
Clear gif year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

tiny purple ballZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket
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tiny purple ballZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed
Clear gifbefore kids refuse to eat it.

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