DEFINITIONS ONLY PARENTS UNDERSTAND Humor

AIRPLANE: What Mom impersonates to get a one-year-old to

eat strained beets.

ALIEN: What Mom would suspect had invaded her house if she

spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through

labor to make love again.

APPLE: Nutritious lunchtime dessert which children will trade

for cupcakes.

BABY:

1. Dad, when he gets a cold.

2. Mom's youngest child, even if he's 42.

BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all

except Mom to be self-cleaning.

BECAUSE: Mom's reasons for having kids do things which can't

be explained logically.

CARPET: Expensive floor covering used to catch spills and clean

mud off shoes.

CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mom

always winds up going the farthest with the biggest bunch of kids

who have had the most sugar.

CHINA: Legendary nation reportedly populated by children who

love leftover vegetables.

COOK:

1. Act of preparing food for consumption.

2. Mom's other name.

COUCH POTATO: What Mom finds under the sofa cushions after

the kids eat dinner.

DRINKING GLASS: Any carton or bottle left open in the fridge.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order

dessert.

DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home

into a battle zone.

DUST RAGS: See "DAD'S UNDERWEAR."

EAR: A place where kids store dirt

EAT: What kids do between meals, but not at them.

EMPTY NEST: See "WISHFUL THINKING."

ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply

of until asked to do something.

"EXCUSE ME": One of Mom's favorite phrases, reportedly

used in past times by children.

EYE: The highly susceptible optic organ which, according to Mom,

can be "put out" by anything from a suction-arrow to a

carelessly-handled butter knife.

FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper

distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't

appreciate the strained carrots.

FOOD: The response Mom usually gives in answer to the question

"What's for dinner tonight?" See "SARCASM."

FROZEN:

1. A type of food.

2. How Hell will be the day Mom lets her daughter date an older

guy with a motorcycle.

FULL NAME: What Mom calls her child when she's mad at him.

GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which

Mom assigns to a different family member each week, then winds

up doing herself.

GENIUSES: Amazingly, all of Mom's kids.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful

even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

GUM: Adhesive for the hair.

HAMPER: A wicker container with a lid, usually surrounded by,

but not containing, dirty clothing.

HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirtsleeves, drapes, etc.

HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with

volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior

to consumption of the evening meal.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a

dirty word.

HINDSIGHT: What Mom experiences from changing too many

diapers.

HOMEMADE BREAD: An object of fiction like the Fountain of

Youth and the Golden Fleece.

ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic

tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of

putting them back in the freezer empty.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they

do everything we say.

INSIDE: That place that will suddenly look attractive to kids

once Mom has spent a minimum of half an hour getting them

ready to go outside.

"I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mom.

JACKPOT: When all the kids stay at friends' homes for the night.

JEANS: Pants which, according to kids, are appropriate for just

about any occasion, including church and funerals.

"JEEEEEEEEZ!": Slang for "Gee Mom, isn't there anything else

you can do to embarrass me in front of my friends?"

JOY RIDE: Going somewhere without the kids.

JUNK: Dad's stuff.

KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the

dish that Mom spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the

seasoning just right.

KISS: Mom medicine.

LAKE: Large body of water into which a kid will jump should his

friends do so.

LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom

buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a

table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to

six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.

LIE: An "exaggeration" Mom uses to transform her child's papier-

mâché' volcano science project into a Nobel Prize-winning experiment

and a full-ride scholarship to Harvard.

LOSERS: See "KIDS' FRIENDS"

MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mom

look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."

MAYBE: No.

MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's

turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.

"MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants

something.

MUSH:

1. What a kid loves to do with a plateful of food.

2. Main element of Mom's favorite movies.

NAILS: A hard covering on the end of the finger, which Mom can

never have a full set of due to pitching for batting practice, opening

stubborn modeling clay lids and removing heat ducts to retrieve

army men and/or doll clothing.

OCEAN: What the bathroom floor looks like after bath night for

kids, assorted pets, two or three full-sized towels and several dozen

toy boats, cars and animals.

OPEN: The position of children's mouths when they eat in front

of company.

OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up

swing stops.

PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables

or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mom.

PETS: Small, furry creatures which follow kids home so Mom will

have someone else to clean up after.

PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands

of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mom, kids will

refuse to play in front of company.

PUDDLE: a small body of water that draws other small bodies

wearing new shoes into it.

PURSE: A handbag in which Mom carries the checkbook and keys

she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum

wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food

restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery

list and several outdated coupons.

QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the

birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has

left for college.

RAINCOAT: Article of clothing Mom bought to keep a child dry

and warm, rendered ineffective because it's in the bottom of a

locker stuffed in a book bag or because the child refuses to wear

"the geeky thing."

REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for

the kitchen.

ROOM MOTHER: A position of great honor and responsibility

bestowed on a mom who inadvertently misses a PTA meeting.

SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from

watching offspring stumble through coarse re-enactment of famous

historic events.

SCREAMING: Home P.A. system.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely

zipped and snapped perform two important functions: Protecting

children from the cold, and reminding them that they have to go to

the bathroom.

SOAP: A cleaning agent Mom puts on the sink on the off-chance one

of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.

SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.

SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15

minutes with Grandma.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling

it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

SWEATER: Magically charmed article of clothing that can ward

away colds and even pneumonia.

SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made

of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.

TEACHER CONFERENCE: A meeting between Mom and that person

who has yet to understand her child's "special needs."

TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.

"THAT WAY": How kids shouldn't look at moms if they know what's

good for them. Also applies to how they talk.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman

jammies.

TOWELS: See "FLOOR COVERINGS."

TRAMP: A woman with two kids and no stretch marks.

TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure

to be in.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and

she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times

Mom must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually

gets done.

UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which

ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

UTOPIA: See "BUBBLE BATH."

VACATION: Where you take the family to get away from it all,

only to find it there, too.

VERBAL: When a toddler is able to whine in words.

VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mom forces you to

swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow

up to be "Just like Daddy."

WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with

every room.

WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean jeans,

permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads

of gum.

"WHEN YOU FATHER GETS HOME": Standard measurement

of time between crime and punishment.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

XOXOXOXO: Mom salutation guaranteed to make the already

embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.

XYLOPHONE: Small toy musical instrument often given as gifts

to children who show their appreciation by playing the stupid thing

constantly, over and over, all day long! See also "DRUMS."

YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mom plans

to sell kids' outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last

minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.

"YIPPEE!": What Mom would jump up and shout if the school

year was changed to 12 months. See also "YAHOO!"

ZILLION: Amount of times Mom must have gone to the supermarket

already this week.

ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed

before kids refuse to eat it.