One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History teacher is
receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an essay. I have
pasted together the following "history" of the world from certifiably
genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United
States, from eight grade through college level. Read carefully, and you
will learn a lot.
The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the Sarah
Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that
the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas of the dessert
are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built the Pyramids in the
shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pirated are a range of mountains
between France and Spain.
Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks invented three
kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic. They also had myths.
A myth is a female moth. One myth says that the mother of Achilles
dipped him in the River Stynx until he became intolerable. Achilles
appears in "The Iliad", by Homer. Homer also wrote the "Oddity", in
which Penelope was the last hardship that Ulysses endured on his
journey. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people
advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock.
In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and
threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral wreath. The
government of Athens was democratic because the people took the law into
their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as the mountains were so
high that they couldn't climb over to see what their neighbors were
doing. When they fought the Parisians, the Greeks were outnumbered
because the Persians had more men.
Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History calls people Romans
because they never stayed in one place for very long. At Roman banquets,
the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar extinguished himself
on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March killed him because they
thought he was going to be made king. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would
torture his poor subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
Then came the center
Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames, King Arthur
lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his troops before the
Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was canonized by George Bernard Shaw,
and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs on their necks. Finally,
the Magna Carta provided that no free man should be hanged twice for the
In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The greatest writer
of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verse and also wrote
literature. Another tale tells of William Tell, who shot an arrow
through an apple while standing on his son's head.
The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the value of
their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church door at
Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a horrible death,
being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter Donatello's interest
in the female nude that made him the father of the Renaissance. It was
an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented the
Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented
cigarettes. Another important invention was the circulation of blood.
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.
The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII found
walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen Elizabeth
was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When Elizabeth
exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted "hurrah." Then her
navy went out and defeated the Spanish Armadillo.
The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
Shakespeare never made much money and is famous only because of his
plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
comedies and errors. In one of Shakespeare's famous plays, Hamlet
rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy. In
another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King by
attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic
couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he wrote "Paradise
During the Renaissance, America began. Christopher Columbus was a great
navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His
ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe. Later the
Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and this was called the Pilgrim's Progress.
When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by Indians, who
came down the hill rolling their war hoops before them. The Indian
squabs carried porpoises on their back. Many of the Indian heroes were
killed, along with their cabooses, which proved very fatal to them. The
winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and
many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in
their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post
without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul Revere was throwing
balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking and the peacocks crowing.
Finally, the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis.
Delegates from the original thirteen states formed the Contented
Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to Boston
carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread under each
arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards and declared "a
horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is
George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father
of Our Country. Then the Constitution of the United States was adopted
to secure domestic hostility. Under the Constitution the people enjoyed
the right to keep bare arms.
Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother
died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his
own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only a tall silk hat.
He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham Lincoln wrote the
Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington to Gettysburg on the
back of an envelope.
He also signed the Emasculation Proclamation, and
the Fourteenth Amendment gave the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue
Clux Clan would torcher and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent
On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater
and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor.
This ruined Booth's career.
Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltare
invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy". Gravity was
invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when
the apples are flaling off the trees.
Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was Handel.
Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very
large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven wrote music even
though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long
walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.
France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
accomplished before it happened. The Marseilles was the theme song of
the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon. During the
Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were trembling in their
shoes. Then the Spanish gorillas came down from the hills and nipped at
Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with bladder problems and was
very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an heir to inherent his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't bear him any children.
The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in
the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria was the longest
queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. Her reclining years and finally
the end of her life were exemplary of a great personality. Her death
was the final event which ended her reign.
The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and thoughts.
The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up.
Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which did the work of a
hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for telepathy. Louis Pasteur
discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote
the "Organ of the Species". Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl
Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a
surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.