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BEFORE THE PREGNANCY:

tiny purple ballAm I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?

Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

tiny purple ballAre birth control pills deductible?

Only if they don't work.

tiny purple ballWhat is a chastity belt?

A labor-saving device.

tiny purple ballShould I have a baby after 35?

No, 35 children is enough.

tiny purple ballCan a mother get pregnant while nursing?

Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

tiny purple ballMy husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?

Your therapist.

DURING THE PREGNANCY:

tiny purple ballHow will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

If it's the flu, you'll get better.

tiny purple ballI normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?

Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

tiny purple ballWhat is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

Childbirth.

tiny purple ballI'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

With any luck, right after he finishes college.

tiny purple ballSince I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?

Yes, your bladder.

tiny purple ballEver since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?

Depends on what your doing with them.

tiny purple ballUnder what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?

When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

tiny purple ballWhat position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?

Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

tiny purple ballMy childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

tiny purple ballWhen is the best time to get an epidermal?

Right after you find out your pregnant.

tiny purple ballWhat does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?

It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.

tiny purple ballWhat are forceps?

Giant baby tweezers.

tiny purple ballDoes labor cause hemorrhoids?

Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

AFTER THE PREGNANCY:

tiny purple ballWill I love my dog less when the baby is born?

No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

tiny purple ballUnder what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?

When it's a girl, for starters.

tiny purple ballWhere is the best place to store breast milk?

In your breasts.

tiny purple ballIs there a safe alternative to breast pumps?

Yes, baby lips.

tiny purple ballWhat does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?

It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

tiny purple ballHow does one sanitize nipples?

Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

tiny purple ballWhat are the terrible twos?

Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

tiny purple ballWhat is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?

When you see teeth marks.

tiny purple ballWhat is the grasp reflex?

The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

tiny purple ballWhat happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?

They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

tiny purple ballDo I have to have a baby shower?

Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.

tiny purple ballWhat causes baby blues?

Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

tiny purple ballWhat is colic?

A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

tiny purple ballWhat are night terrors?

Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

tiny purple ballOur baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

When the kids are in college.

tiny purple ballIs there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?

Yes, pregnancy.


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