What I learned from my children

WHAT MY CHILDREN HAVE TAUGHT ME

There is no such thing as childproofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over
them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

A 4-year-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a
crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is
not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing
pound puppy underwear and a superman cape. It is strong
enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a
20x20 foot room.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw
the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a
baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,'
it's already too late.

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even
though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the
movies.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing
baseball shoes, it does not leak -- it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2001 All rights reserved. sq
foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four-
year-old. Super glue is forever.

'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the
same sentence.

Small pets and microwaves are a bad combination.

Tarzan can teach us many things we don't want to know.

Crayons do not remain solid when stored on a car's
dashboard on a hot summer day.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you
still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello-O.

No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

Puppies still have bad breath even after eating a tic tac.

You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush
your hair.

If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always
catch the second person.

Never ask your 3-year-old brother to hold a tomato.

Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time.

Never leave a toddler, a furry animal and a a pair of
scissors alone in the same room.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

Raising teenagers is like nailing JELLO to a tree.

You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, although TV
commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on. (That durn
hamster!)

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5-minute
response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make
earthworms dizzy.

It will, however, make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Don't flush the toilet when you dad's in the shower.

Never dare your little brother to paint the family car.

Stay away from prunes.

Never tell your little brother that you're not going to do
what your mom told you to do.

Never spit when on a roller coaster.

When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom
when she's on the phone.

Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball
bat.

Never tell your mom her diet's not working.

When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?"
don't answer him.

Never bug a pregnant mom.

Never ask for anything that costs more than ten dollars
when your parents are doing taxes.

Sleep in your clothes so you'll be dressed in the morning.

When you want something expensive, ask your
grandparents.

Never smart off to a teacher whose eyes and ears are
twitching.

You should never take a goldfish for a walk; even on a
leash.

Wear a hat when feeding seagulls.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).

The best place to be when you are sad is in Grandma's
lap.